What it means to trust yourself as you walk in The Way

The Holy Spirit gave me a WORD a few months ago when I was trying to pray for my friend. (I say trying because I kept ending up ruminating over conversations - and the Holy Spirit kept nudging me to come back to the present).

"You cannot trust yourself as long as you deceive yourself"

Breathe that in for a moment. I have been reminded again and again that God studies the heart, and I would say - the heart's heart's heart's heart... you get it. When we fully surrender, the Holy Spirit will show us how to study our own heart, and the heart of others. I no longer believe that discernment is a gift for only certain people - it is what Christ calls us all into, and it is only our own fear that keeps us unwilling or confused (calling things "discernment" that are actually just our own nervous system responses).

When I entered the world of nervous system work, I kept hearing this concept that in order to move sensations and even trauma through the body, you have to get to a place of trusting yourself. I have pondered on this for years now as a Christ-follower, and as someone who has been through several kinds of nervous system healing modalities. It was brought up again as my friend said it was something she had been struggling with for a long time - trusting herself. So, as usual, there is nuance here & a lot to unpack - and the Spirit's word to me was a breakthrough!

There is a concept taught, or maybe just insinuated, often in church - that you cannot trust yourself, that your flesh/heart/mind are always deceitful and evil. And the concept taught in the world is that you can unequivocally trust yourself, that your feelings and actions stemming from those feelings are valid. Neither are true. When I look at the nature of Christ, and confidently live in embodiment as the temple of God - I see that I am made new, and my flesh/heart/mind can be trusted when they are surrendered to God and I stop decieving myself.

If I thought my body was uniquivacably telling the truth, with no nuance or further look, for me personally - I would never confront anything. I would get hurt, and stop speaking to people. I would assume that pain in my shoulder meant that someone did stab me in the back (although this may be the case sometimes, it's usually myself violating my own boundaries!), and I would think that in order to stop that pain, the person - whether it's me or someone else- needs to be shut down. And on the opposite end of this, if I thought my body/heart/mind is evil and cannot be trusted, I would have tuned out discernment, visions, the voice of God. I would blame myself for the ways others have harmed my body & mind, and I would avoid self-responsibility for the ways I have harmed my own body & mind.

I've also been in the weird limbo where you keep bouncing between the two - "my body doesn't lie, but also it's evil"- as a result I've energetically attracted people and things that are not aligned. That may need to be a whole blog post on its' own.

Here's are a few examples for everyday life, I'll use myself as the subject although some of these are not me, they are just to give a more varied viewpoint. *It is important to learn how to find safety in your body before you start to ask these questions, which is why I talk about somatic work being part of a spiritual walk; it's hard to discern what is the Spirit vs what is your nervous system or even other spirits if you are operating from a place of fear or shame - especially the deeper, uncovered roots of fear and belief systems*

• My stomach drops and I feel nauseated when a friend relays a story to me about another person. The questions here - what is my stomach dropping in response to? Was it a certain tone my friend used that reminded me of someone that wounded me? Was it discernement about the other person? Was it discernment about my friend? Or both? Was it something the other person did that reminded me of someone that hurt me? Was it specific words my friend used that triggered a memory of pain? Can it be all of those at once? If it is discernment, what is at stake if I shared it? Is God asking me to share it even though my body is sick with the idea of confrontation?

• I suddenly have a stabbing, radiating pain under my shoulder blade. Because I have experienced this before, and previously received revelation from the Holy Spirit about this exact thing, I now know this is a sign that I am feeling stabbed in the back. The questions here - What boundaries were violated? Did I violate my own boundaries by pushing myself to say yes when I meant no, or no when I meant yes? If it was someone else, do I know their intention? What is in their heart? Not what I want their heart to be or is easiest to believe- what does the Spirit show me? (And the same question about my own heart)

• A family member brings up some concerns about things going on in my life. My entire body tenses. I feel sick and want to run, to crawl and hide. The questions here - Why did my body tense? What exactly is it I want to run from? The family member? The topic of conversation? Was it the tone in their voice or words reminding me of people that have hurt me? Are they asking questions I have not been able to answer myself, or am avoiding? What is the family member's heart - are they operating out of a place of ill-will or love? Can I respect my body's response in this moment and still respond out of love?

• I meet a stranger and word pops into my mind. It came out of nowhere, so I am inclined to believe it is spiritual. Still, I walk through some questions once I have can tune into the safety in my body. Are there any limiting beliefs that would make me think this of a stranger? Does this stranger remind me of someone in their look, manerisms, or words? What is going on in my life right now - is there anything that I stand to gain by associating this word with the stranger? And the opposite- what do I stand to lose by associating this word with the person? What is the energy around them? What am I supposed to do with this word? What does this word reveal to me in the spiritual realm - how will it deepen or change my intercessory prayers? A note on this one - this is different, if -for example, you get a word or a feeling about a stranger that you are about to spend time with or be around right then- like someone you meet or are introduced to at a bar or while you're walking alone- listen to it. You can find safety in your body later and ask for discernment but it's so much better to err on the side of actual safety here.

Trusting yourself is the fruit that comes from the root of truth. If there is any deceit in the root, it will be hard, maybe impossible, to lean into discernment and full trust of the Spirit in you. And here's the thing - no one wants to think there is deceit in their heart, so let me phrase it this way: everyone's nervous systems are wired by relating through experiences. Unless you've never encountered imperfect humans and have just walked in bliss with Jesus alone, your nervous system is going to inform your mind and there are inherently non-truths there. It can be very sneaky because there's this shame loop that happens; these non-truths feel and look so good, even true. It is only later, in retrospect, when we see the deciet and sneaky lies that guided us. Then the enemy twists that on its' head so we hear "see, you can't trust yourself at all. your body, mind, flesh, heart, etc - it's all evil". And if we buy into that, we tune out the very voice of the Holy Spirit, living in us, because it further disrupts our nervous system with shame... so that we really can't 'trust ourselves' as much.

Real trust is the result of asking the tough questions, letting the Holy Spirit guide you to the answers, and becoming a student of your own emotional landscape, your own heart. And this will be a continuous process, especially as women with our ever-changing hormones and way we relate to the world in forms of response and reciprocity.

So how is it both, and neither, trusting and distrusting yourself? I believe it has to do with your heart and your openness to the Spirit in your life. This is what Jesus talks about when he says we will be born again, that we will live through him. Can you see that your body can lie, because your nervous system learns from experiences and associations, meaning your past is likely going to trigger in your present? AND that God created your nervous system - it is not a mistake of the Creator, it is perfectly and lovingly designed for your safety. It may feel broken and confused as a result of others, or as a result of yourself operating outside of God's intended design. But it can be rewired - that is part of the loving work of Christ. And here's the part no one really likes to hear - in order for that rewiring, you have to ask the Holy Spirit to reveal the deepest parts of your own heart so you can learn what and how to trust yourself again (and by that, it's really God abiding in you). And in order to do that, you have to do the things we resist the most: 1) establishing safety in our bodies through the 'boring' stuff like consistent nourishment, sunlight, true stillness, appropriate movement, sleep, etc. and 2) expanding our tolerance by confronting what our own triggers with truth; being willing to get painfully honest about where we are operating outside of God's best for us and out of His perfect design.